It has been so long...

It has been so long since I've written anything. What with living my life and all I didn't have the time. I was doing much more important things...like playing Farmville on Facebook. I hope when I look back on my life I don't remember my impact being all the crops I harvested in a meaningless game. Yet everyday I show up to play this ridiculous game. If I had this much conviction for anything else, I'd probably be a very "successful" individual.

I just watched Julie & Julia. I must say, this is what has sparked my eagerness to write in my blog again. Not that I anticipate anything paralleling the movie, because let's face it, they are in no way similar.

I just feel like writing is all. And I don't have any idea what to write about. Aren't you glad you showed up to read this?

I got a job since the last time I wrote. I am part of the Emergency Pandemic Branch. In other less politically loaded words, I am giving H1N1 vaccinations. What an interesting world we live in. I have seen first hand what kind of impact the media has on the public. It's scary when you think of it. Hundreds of thousands of people lined up for hours to get their vaccination. In ten years I will think it's pretty neat that I was at the front lines of this pandemic. But for now, I'm sick of the screaming children.

My Best Friend was hit by a Transport Truck

Now, if you've read all my blogs you might be thinking, you've done this before. Only you said you weren't actually physically hit by a transport truck, I bet she'll play this little trick again. And I bet now you're waiting for the kicker. Well stop being such a paranoid schizophrenic, my best friend was actually hit by a transport truck. But thankfully, She is okay. Her car, not so much.

We put so much value in our possessions that my friend wasn't all that grateful for her safety, she was stressed about her car, how she's going to get work and such similar things of non importance in the grand scheme of life. Now I love my friend dearly and I am not saying she is bad for doing this. This is a common thing among our generation and the generations before. We are defining our self by our possessions and not by our worth. It isn't our homes or our cars that matter, it's what we chose to do with our life and who we chose to be and how we chose to treat people.

A Love Story

Is there a more exciting time of year than fall? The leaves are changing colours, the feel of the cool air and the hot sun on your face, the crunching of leaves beneath your feet, and the season premieres.

Rewind.



That's right I said season premieres. Oh the love for scripted television. So pure and yet unrefined. Tyler and I had a twinkle in our eyes with anticipation for the upcoming year. Part of me feels guilty for thinking so. I think most of us don't want to live our lives 'living' vicariously through the television set. However, this is what makes us happy. We love to be entertained with minimal effort required.

I think we can all welcome a distraction from our current realities. Whatever they may be. Bad situation, indecision, boredom,... whatever the ailment or situation, we can rely on a weekly basis on Amy Poehler to make us laugh and Kate Walsh to entertain us wholeheartedly.

Where are the manuals?

One of my closet friends asked me today “Do you ever feel like you have everything you ever wanted but you still are sad all the time?” This got me to thinking, I wonder how many other people feel like this? I know I feel like this from time to time. Although, I must admit I still don’t feel that I have everything I ever wanted. In our minds and maybe also in our hearts (figuratively speaking) we will never have enough. It’s never going to be enough. We look at past experiences with nostalgia and delight, although while we were actually in the past -meaning the present - we were thinking of the future. Was that complex enough for you? We’re never going to be happy if we are always looking to the future to hold our happiness.

If we keep putting off calling our friends, doing charity work, errr...even getting a job, we are putting off what we think will make us happy. I use these examples because these are things I wish I could do more but I seem to always put it off which makes me more miserable. It’s a vicious cycle really.

How many of us miss a friend of ours dearly but we hesitate to call them. The more time that goes by, the heavier the phone seems. We need community. We need friendship.
When I went to university I really became the person I wanted to be. I didn’t know a single person- which was the idea. I didn’t hate my high school existence, but I wasn’t really who I wanted to be. My best friend was always the center of attention and everything was about her. Don’t get me wrong, at the time and even now I don’t resent her for this and I love her dearly. It is really how I became who I am today. No regrets. Besides, it wasn’t really her fault because I never tried to make it about me.

The point is, I never had to do anything or become someone other than a shadow because I was basically following her around. This was easy for me, so you can see why I never tried to change it. But I grew tired of that scene and I wasn’t going to be able to change it unless I left.

I saw University as a chance to break this mold, I wanted to be ditch this whole follower and leader way of life and be completely and one hundred percent an upscale version of me and meet people more like me. Equality in friendship.

Before University I was incredibly shy. I remember the day my parents dropped me off. I was terrified. I sat in my dorm room and twiddled my thumbs for a minute and decided to go make some friends, this was my moment, it was then or never! And I did just that. Some of the people I met that day are still my best friends to this day, almost 6 years later. I could be me with these people and I could try to be a better me. They took me for who I am and never made me feel like it wasn’t enough or like I fell short. I had never been happier. Shout out to Megan, Erin, and Kaitlin. I love you guys.

These girls all live far away from me now, and I miss them so much. They are my family and I don’t get to see them. This is one of the major reasons why I don’t think I have everything. I would be one lucky and happy lady if these ladies ended up moving into my neighbourhood, but I won’t subject them to that.

When a couple of my bests came to work in Edmonton with me I was the happiest I have ever been. I won’t deny that I was home sick and missed my boyfriend Tyler immensely. I remember even counting down the days until I got to go home. But when I look back I realize that I had never been so happy. It took me a minute to realize why. When in Edmonton, I felt so sure of myself. I felt so in control of my life, so independent, so close to my friends. Now I don’t have any of that. I certainly don’t feel sure of myself, my close friends (at least these ones) aren’t around, we're still close but we're just a phone call), and my feelings of independence are gone.

Part of me believes I was happy working in Edmonton because I knew it had an expiration date. There wasn’t this overwhelming feeling of “this is it.” I didn’t feel like that was what I was doing the rest of my life and questioning if I would be happy doing it, the whole experience had a count down. Maybe the feeling of being stuck doing something the rest of your life is just too overwhelming.

If we learn to take everyday as it comes maybe we could avoid this and maybe we can start living for today and not for the future - which I might add, is always in the future!

This is why I think when we are born they should give us little manuals for our purpose of being. My friend and I were joking around about this. She wishes that when she was born her manual would say “You will be a street meat vendor and you will be very happy” and I hoped mine would say “You will be a mail lady and you will be very happy.” - Note: I said mail lady, not male lady. How much more simple would life be? You wouldn’t have to question anything, you would know that it is meant to be your purpose. Your fortune cookie. But maybe that journey wouldn’t be a journey at all. Maybe we need to make mistakes, take a mess of wrong paths to get to the right one, maybe that is your purpose and maybe that’s just life.

Why we're like Dogs

Recently, Tyler and I have acquired another dog for the purposes of taking care of it, nurturing it, feeding it, and loving it. In simpler terms, we're dog sitting. Why didn't I just say dog sitting? Because I like to think I'm fancy okay...

When taking the dogs for a walk it occurred to me how important it is to feel like we're in a pack, to work together, and to provide security for one another. We're not all that different from dogs. When walking the dogs I used one of those coupler leashes. The dogs were basically attached and I had one rope to steer.

The dogs were antsy before leaving for the walk, they were walking around aimlessly nit picking at each other, almost seemed like they were bickering. I thought this was the perfect time for a walk, burn off some of that excess energy and give them a common goal. Once the leashes came out their noncooperation ceased and they knew if they wanted to go anywhere they would have to work together.

I can't help but see the parallels of this with human behaviour. I know for Tyler and I if we are sitting at home and have nothing to do we tend to bicker until there is something we can do or work towards. We're all lost without some kind of contact or goal, whatever it may be. There is a sense of team work and security among them when they walk together. Where one dog goes, so must the other. It was their first time with the coupler and at first they were both trying to get in different directions until they realized if they wanted to head in any direction at all they would have to go together and they would have to cooperate.

Something about being in a pack makes life seem more enjoyable and secure. There seems to be such a lack of community these days. When I was a kid I took the community I was in for granted, it's not like that anymore but I don't know who has the power to change that. Too many people are overworked and safe in their bubble. This is why I believe we need to learn from our dogs. They give us unconditional love and they know the importance of being in a pack and working together.

If we could all learn these simple lessons the dogs are showing us what a world it would be. What a world it would be...

A Day in Nature

Nothing too profound to report today. I had a simple day today bringing my dog Dexter to play in some water while I read on the sidelines and threw the occasional stick. Bring on the simplicity! It is truly remarkable how calm and relaxing it is when you take a moment to stop and just simply be.

Try it, and try it often.

The Stormy Road

I've been sitting here wondering what I want to talk about today. It occurred to me that I've been focusing on trials and tribulations rather than more positive things. It occurred to me that I don't know what people want to hear more of: the positive or the negative. Is there some kind of sick fascination we all have with drama and bad circumstances or are we all ultimately seeking pure happiness? Maybe we just have no choice.

If we are all seeking happiness how come we tend to screw so many things up? Why do we make train-wrecks of our lives, why are we drawn to watch negative stories in the news and why are we even bothering watching dramatic films?

I guess this all depends on our mood of the day. We are unhappy when we are surrounded by negative circumstances and when we are joyous we seek more joy. We are addicts. We want more of what we have. We've all had unpleasant if not unbearable experiences in our lives and we can and should chose to be grateful for those experiences for they allow us to appreciate our more positive moments. When we can learn to do this we can master our life.

I've been reading this book called "The Disappeared" by Kim Echlin. There is a particular quote in this book that I would really like to share.

Once a woman came to the Buddha carrying her dead son in her arms. She asked him to have mercy on her, to give back her son. The Buddha said that he could help her. First, he said, bring me a mustard seed from a family that has never experienced death. The woman searched from home to home. People wanted to help but everyone she met had experienced death- a brother, sister, parent, husband, child. After searching for a long time the woman returned to the Buddha. He said, Where is your son? The woman replied, I buried him.

The point is there is no question as to whether or not we've been touched by pain in some way. My point is that we need to make the most of whatever we can. Life is short, that is what I know for sure. I've seen it happen all too much. Do what makes you happy. I'll leave you with this; when the voice and the vision on the inside become more profound, clear, & loud then the opinions on the outside, you've mastered your life

How did my pants get this muddy?

Nobody said how hard it is following your dream. But like the wise ones say the more resistance you get the better the rewards. I don’t know if anyone actually said this, but I am saying it now. I believe it, and if I believe it, it’s true. We are all just the products of our imagination anyway. So why not imagine yourself in the best way possible?

Change your life. I say this to you and I say this to me. If you knew you could change your life by simply imagining a different one, wouldn’t you? YOU CAN. I’m doing it, and I have never felt …more tired. It’s exhausting but I can already tell it’s working.
More relentless rambling about the most important life lessons…tomorrow.

Take a look in the mirror...

Have you recently taken a look in the mirror? I have been avoiding the mirror like a fat kid on a soy diet. Not only have I neglected to realize I'm lacking proper hygiene, but I'm not doing anything to help anyone.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Among my spiritual and personal development I questioned what I was doing with my life. Tyler (my boyfriend) and I moved to a new apartment in a smaller town called Embrun and we thought this would be the change we need.

We first started avoiding each other for reasons unknownst to both of us. We had moved closer to both of our parents and we were somehow regressing to an earlier part of our life. I think I was mad that I had let this happen especially while I was supposed to be working on the new empowered me. What the hell was I doing back here? I wanted to go places in life, I wanted to see the world, and I wanted to make a difference. After what seemed like a normal fight I said to Tyler “I thought about what I would do without you in my life and I decided I would go to the Yukon and explore.” This was a mistake. The next day he broke up with me because he didn’t think I had the courage to do it myself and he told me to ‘spread my wings’ and go experience my life without him so I won’t resent him later. He also had these feelings that he wanted more with his life too. We felt we are both not cut out for the “average” world.

I had never had my heart broken until the night when he said, “I think we should separate” my whole life seemed to be crashing before me. This isn’t what I had wanted. I don’t want to experience the thrills of life without him. This may make me seem pathetic, but I know he is my soul mate and I couldn’t let this happen. With the shock of it all I took the car and our dog to my parents house. My dad came home and saw my crying on the front steps and he knew what had happened. He said to me he would clear out my room (it had become a bit of a storage room). I was thankful that I would always have a place to go… I love my family. But if I couldn’t believe I was in Embrun, how could I believe I was back in my hometown living with my parents after living on my own since I was 17.

I let go of my pride and my stubbornness and I called Tyler and asked the big question “why” and for him to reconsider. This wasn’t what I had wanted after all. Within 52 minutes we were back together. I had realized and maybe we both needed to realize that we wanted each other in our lives. We both were lacking something in our lives and we had found that it wasn’t each other. Tyler said to me that he had made a big mistake and he thinks he must have just needed to know deep down that I was fully committed to this relationship and wasn’t looking for a way out. Naturally I didn’t believe him, but he assured me if I were ever to believe him just once, this would be the time.

We were back together but we still felt like we were missing something, we still wanted more, we knew we wanted it together but we still needed more. I got to thinking; there was lots of “I’s, Me’s, what do I want, wanting more” kind of thinking going on in our conversations. I had just sent an email to Tyler saying “I want more too.” He wrote back saying “I want to do so much more” I was preparing to take the dog for a walk and I was changing into some clean clothes, I was on a scavenger hunt for some clean underwear and I saw it by my feet, a pamphlet for “The More Project” I had picked this up days earlier without really thinking. On the front of the pamphlet it says “The More Project- Changing Lives. Restoring Families.” Suddenly I was jolted, everything we were saying we needed wasn’t about helping us, it was about helping others. “Changing Lives, Restoring Families” I needed to say it again. Is there a more powerful way to change your life and restore your own family?

I literally sat down and became overwhelmed and cried. How did we seem to forget this? How did we miss this in our constant over analytical conversations with each other? How did we become so blind? How did we become so selfish and more importantly how did we forget? The big TV won’t help us, but changing others lives for the better will. It is by helping others that we will help ourselves.

The point is we all have different purposes and reasons for being here. I found what I needed to do while looking for some underwear, so you never know when you will be inspired. Be prepared for it and be willing to accept it. Keep one eye open all the time; it will be there when you are ready.

I was hit by a transport truck and survived...

You may be wondering how I survived getting hit by a transport truck. You may even want some tips. If you are wondering this, I probably should explain that I was never actually hit by a transport truck, but it sure felt like I was... over and over and over again.

My life was not going as planned. I quit my secure job and secluded myself from my family and friends in this decision, or at least I felt like I did.

My boyfriend and I were living in a house and purchased a car beyond our means. We were only 22 and we were getting in over our head. We had four run-ins with collections. We were robbed. We were falsely accused by the police of setting up the robbery due to our poor financial situation, the robbers went free, and then we were evicted. My parents and friends thought I was a crazy for quiting my nursing job and no one understood my decision.
(Wow, was that a lot of complaining. This first part is for complaining only, it’s all sunshine and rainbows from here…maybe).

I would first like to apologize for my over enthusiastic use of parentheses. But I do enjoy them immensely. On with the story…

I don’t want to go on about the hardships, I will reference them, but I have learned that if I focus on them more tend to happen. Did I mention all of those things happened within 2 months of each other? (I do realize things could be way worse)

Most of my problems stem from not having a “real” job. So when I could have one so easily, what was I doing? I quit my job for something I believe to be right for me. I feel there is something else I am meant to do and I feel there is something on a higher level that I am so close to finding. I am putting this faith in the universe and in my self. I don’t think enough people do this for themselves, and it makes me sad for them.

I think differently than most people. It pains me to conform to society. There is so much else I wish I could be doing. Actually, I would like to reword that, I feel what most people feel but most people are afraid of. People are afraid to have freedom. I plan on spending a lot of my time trying to figure out why.

I had never struggled so much in my life then during this period of my life. I am still struggling but in a different way. The difference is now instead of feeling defeated I am trying to have a positive outlook. The more negative things that happen in my life the more negative things happen in my life. No that wasn’t a typo, I did deliberately repeat myself there. I needed to figure out why I felt the world was crashing down on me. Then I figured it out, I was somehow trapped between what I felt I wanted to be doing and what I was told I should be doing.
How many of you are stuck in jobs you hate, circumstances that you despise, but you still manage to show up everyday and take it?

I know there are select few of you out there who enjoy spending more time working than having fun. But boy- I can just say right now I am not one of you.

The problem is, everyone else is stuck in this no-freedom mindset. I finally figured out I wanted to be free from constrained work schedules and I was going to have the best life ever- only I wasn’t going to. My parents and friends did not support me and they thought I lost my mind (although if you ask them they will deny this). I wasn’t going to have this wonderful life unless I could let go of that and the restrictions everyone was putting on me. I believe we all need to do this.

At the end of the day, you are the only one who has to face the decisions you make.
I want to have the freedom to do whatever I want, I want to dream, I want to have an amazing life, I want to be positive, and exclude the negative…and I had lost my mind? I want to make it one of my life goals to inspire people who think like me or people who want to think like me. I used to think I was a freak for this, but I realize now that it is a gift- and you all have it, you just need to use it.

EVERYONE has it wrong. (except for the few of you who don’t). I know what you are thinking. Hey Mallory how do you plan on living if you’re not doing anything? The answer is, I have no clue, but I know I’m going to enjoy the adventure.

My First Official Blog!

Wow! This is exciting! My first official blog. I've been writing to myself for years, now someone might actually read what I have to say. Heck, maybe you will laugh, maybe you will cry, maybe you will be outraged, or maybe you will be bored. The point is, I'm going to share with you my insights and reflections on life. You might be thinking "This isn't wear I parked my car," and if you are, you might want to seek medical attention. Seriously though, you might be thinking who is she to offer me any insight and who is she to tell me anything, well I'm no one. Is that the answer you were looking for? I don't pretend to think I am anyone special, because we are all special, which really means no is. Where was I going with this? eerr....Right, I was saying that I invite you to come along with me on this blogging journey so we can reflect together on lifes circumstances. I do not know what life has in store for me but I am sure it will have sadness, anger, despair, but also a lot of love, hope, and happiness.

(P.S. ..in the picture...that is me and my dog Dexter. He is awesome!)