Insomnia

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Stresses from your day ....

Anxieties for upcoming events, meetings, etc.


This is what it's like for us who can't sleep at night. When you turn off your minds, we are thinking about everything we've had on hold all day.

Then there is the anger, you are mad because coaxing yourself to go to sleep will not work. The more you get worked up about it, the less likely you are to sleep!

Ahhh sleep. What the many take for granted.
To hit your head on a pillow and bam! You're catching Zzzz's and chasing numbered sheep. What a magical world.

Thank god for sleeping pills.

Trapped

I had a nightmare last night about sleeping. It wasn't terrifying in the classical sense of ghosts and goblins, although who is afraid of goblins this day in age anyway?

Here it goes ...

Started out as any other dream, Tyler and I were heading to a very old friends house. In my dream, that friends parents had both been killed. We were going to visit her to offer comfort and support.

When we were heading to sleep for the night, the room we were given only had a twin bed. Not enough room for the two of us. [Just as an FYI I have a sleep disorder in which I occasionally take sleeping aids to fall asleep, but I did not take any sleeping pills this particular night]. Back to the story. In my dream, knowing how difficult I find it to sleep, I took a sleeping pill and went to sleep in the car as there was no room on that twin bed.

It was like being fully aware of falling into a deeper level of your subconscious.




And it felt just like that, an uncontrollable feeling, where you literally feel as if you are falling into the dark.

In my dream, I took the sleeping pill, fell to my side, and couldn't get back up.

I was paralyzed, couldn't open my eyes, but was completely aware that I couldn't move. And in my mind, this wasn't a dream it was really happening. I had forgotten that I was dreaming. Never has something felt more real. I remember I was lying in the car, or so I thought, and I was screaming in my head to "Wake up" "Wake up" "Wake up" but I couldn't, my body would not follow the command. And then I started to panic, only that made matters worse because I started to sweat, and I was hot, I felt as if I was boiling. This whole time I think I've actually been in the car.

Somewhere, somehow, my dream was crossing over with reality. I finally manage to somehow wake up, still unable to open my eyes, but somehow I know I'm somewhere else. I can feel the sweat, the heat from the fleece sheets we have on our bed. I scream "Wake up, Wake Up" because I know I am somewhere else, I was back in reality again. I keep screaming "Wake up Wake up," I still can't open my eyes or move, and suddenly I hear Tyler say "Mal, what is happening?" So I say with such hopefulness "you can hear me?" and he says "yeah I can hear you!"

I am so relieved, it felt has if days had gone by in complete darkness. Alas, I can be saved.

I say "I can't see you." Then Tyler informs me that I should open my eyes in a sarcastic tone....I try, and I cannot open my eyes. Then Tyler realizes this is serious. He starts to get concerned. I instruct him to turn on the lights so maybe my eyes can start to adjust. He follows suit, asking if i can see yet. He tells me my eyes are open, but I still cannot see, it is complete darkness. The darkness was completely consuming me.

Then in the middle of my field of view, I start to see some light, and I start to see the edge of Tyler's face. Finally! I am awakened, Tyler hugs me as I cry. I've never been so terrified, so glad the nightmare is over.

I start to explain to him how I was having a nightmare that I was trapped in my own body, still sweating, still boiling, still uncomfortable, when suddenly, I feel an odd pressure on my feet.

The dog has just jumped on the foot of the bed, and I awake again. But this time, it is real. Tyler is sound asleep, nothing I thought just happened has happened at all.

And I am lying there drenched in sweat and I am scared to go back to sleep...

A little busier, a little less introspective

Another summer gone. I don't even remember the last time I wrote anything on here.

The short and sweet version:

1) Adopted a rescue dog

2) Regretted getting another dog

3) Fell in love with Bennie (the dog)

4) Went to PEI

5) Got Engaged

This is perhaps the laziest blog entry I have ever written, which brings me to my title.

Life is a bloody race, you don't see marathon runners stopping halfway to contemplate the essence of happiness? And if you have remarkably, they probably got tired and made that up as an excuse.

Cheers,
Mallory

It has been so long...

It has been so long since I've written anything. What with living my life and all I didn't have the time. I was doing much more important things...like playing Farmville on Facebook. I hope when I look back on my life I don't remember my impact being all the crops I harvested in a meaningless game. Yet everyday I show up to play this ridiculous game. If I had this much conviction for anything else, I'd probably be a very "successful" individual.

I just watched Julie & Julia. I must say, this is what has sparked my eagerness to write in my blog again. Not that I anticipate anything paralleling the movie, because let's face it, they are in no way similar.

I just feel like writing is all. And I don't have any idea what to write about. Aren't you glad you showed up to read this?

I got a job since the last time I wrote. I am part of the Emergency Pandemic Branch. In other less politically loaded words, I am giving H1N1 vaccinations. What an interesting world we live in. I have seen first hand what kind of impact the media has on the public. It's scary when you think of it. Hundreds of thousands of people lined up for hours to get their vaccination. In ten years I will think it's pretty neat that I was at the front lines of this pandemic. But for now, I'm sick of the screaming children.

My Best Friend was hit by a Transport Truck

Now, if you've read all my blogs you might be thinking, you've done this before. Only you said you weren't actually physically hit by a transport truck, I bet she'll play this little trick again. And I bet now you're waiting for the kicker. Well stop being such a paranoid schizophrenic, my best friend was actually hit by a transport truck. But thankfully, She is okay. Her car, not so much.

We put so much value in our possessions that my friend wasn't all that grateful for her safety, she was stressed about her car, how she's going to get work and such similar things of non importance in the grand scheme of life. Now I love my friend dearly and I am not saying she is bad for doing this. This is a common thing among our generation and the generations before. We are defining our self by our possessions and not by our worth. It isn't our homes or our cars that matter, it's what we chose to do with our life and who we chose to be and how we chose to treat people.

A Love Story

Is there a more exciting time of year than fall? The leaves are changing colours, the feel of the cool air and the hot sun on your face, the crunching of leaves beneath your feet, and the season premieres.

Rewind.



That's right I said season premieres. Oh the love for scripted television. So pure and yet unrefined. Tyler and I had a twinkle in our eyes with anticipation for the upcoming year. Part of me feels guilty for thinking so. I think most of us don't want to live our lives 'living' vicariously through the television set. However, this is what makes us happy. We love to be entertained with minimal effort required.

I think we can all welcome a distraction from our current realities. Whatever they may be. Bad situation, indecision, boredom,... whatever the ailment or situation, we can rely on a weekly basis on Amy Poehler to make us laugh and Kate Walsh to entertain us wholeheartedly.

Where are the manuals?

One of my closet friends asked me today “Do you ever feel like you have everything you ever wanted but you still are sad all the time?” This got me to thinking, I wonder how many other people feel like this? I know I feel like this from time to time. Although, I must admit I still don’t feel that I have everything I ever wanted. In our minds and maybe also in our hearts (figuratively speaking) we will never have enough. It’s never going to be enough. We look at past experiences with nostalgia and delight, although while we were actually in the past -meaning the present - we were thinking of the future. Was that complex enough for you? We’re never going to be happy if we are always looking to the future to hold our happiness.

If we keep putting off calling our friends, doing charity work, errr...even getting a job, we are putting off what we think will make us happy. I use these examples because these are things I wish I could do more but I seem to always put it off which makes me more miserable. It’s a vicious cycle really.

How many of us miss a friend of ours dearly but we hesitate to call them. The more time that goes by, the heavier the phone seems. We need community. We need friendship.
When I went to university I really became the person I wanted to be. I didn’t know a single person- which was the idea. I didn’t hate my high school existence, but I wasn’t really who I wanted to be. My best friend was always the center of attention and everything was about her. Don’t get me wrong, at the time and even now I don’t resent her for this and I love her dearly. It is really how I became who I am today. No regrets. Besides, it wasn’t really her fault because I never tried to make it about me.

The point is, I never had to do anything or become someone other than a shadow because I was basically following her around. This was easy for me, so you can see why I never tried to change it. But I grew tired of that scene and I wasn’t going to be able to change it unless I left.

I saw University as a chance to break this mold, I wanted to be ditch this whole follower and leader way of life and be completely and one hundred percent an upscale version of me and meet people more like me. Equality in friendship.

Before University I was incredibly shy. I remember the day my parents dropped me off. I was terrified. I sat in my dorm room and twiddled my thumbs for a minute and decided to go make some friends, this was my moment, it was then or never! And I did just that. Some of the people I met that day are still my best friends to this day, almost 6 years later. I could be me with these people and I could try to be a better me. They took me for who I am and never made me feel like it wasn’t enough or like I fell short. I had never been happier. Shout out to Megan, Erin, and Kaitlin. I love you guys.

These girls all live far away from me now, and I miss them so much. They are my family and I don’t get to see them. This is one of the major reasons why I don’t think I have everything. I would be one lucky and happy lady if these ladies ended up moving into my neighbourhood, but I won’t subject them to that.

When a couple of my bests came to work in Edmonton with me I was the happiest I have ever been. I won’t deny that I was home sick and missed my boyfriend Tyler immensely. I remember even counting down the days until I got to go home. But when I look back I realize that I had never been so happy. It took me a minute to realize why. When in Edmonton, I felt so sure of myself. I felt so in control of my life, so independent, so close to my friends. Now I don’t have any of that. I certainly don’t feel sure of myself, my close friends (at least these ones) aren’t around, we're still close but we're just a phone call), and my feelings of independence are gone.

Part of me believes I was happy working in Edmonton because I knew it had an expiration date. There wasn’t this overwhelming feeling of “this is it.” I didn’t feel like that was what I was doing the rest of my life and questioning if I would be happy doing it, the whole experience had a count down. Maybe the feeling of being stuck doing something the rest of your life is just too overwhelming.

If we learn to take everyday as it comes maybe we could avoid this and maybe we can start living for today and not for the future - which I might add, is always in the future!

This is why I think when we are born they should give us little manuals for our purpose of being. My friend and I were joking around about this. She wishes that when she was born her manual would say “You will be a street meat vendor and you will be very happy” and I hoped mine would say “You will be a mail lady and you will be very happy.” - Note: I said mail lady, not male lady. How much more simple would life be? You wouldn’t have to question anything, you would know that it is meant to be your purpose. Your fortune cookie. But maybe that journey wouldn’t be a journey at all. Maybe we need to make mistakes, take a mess of wrong paths to get to the right one, maybe that is your purpose and maybe that’s just life.