The Stormy Road

I've been sitting here wondering what I want to talk about today. It occurred to me that I've been focusing on trials and tribulations rather than more positive things. It occurred to me that I don't know what people want to hear more of: the positive or the negative. Is there some kind of sick fascination we all have with drama and bad circumstances or are we all ultimately seeking pure happiness? Maybe we just have no choice.

If we are all seeking happiness how come we tend to screw so many things up? Why do we make train-wrecks of our lives, why are we drawn to watch negative stories in the news and why are we even bothering watching dramatic films?

I guess this all depends on our mood of the day. We are unhappy when we are surrounded by negative circumstances and when we are joyous we seek more joy. We are addicts. We want more of what we have. We've all had unpleasant if not unbearable experiences in our lives and we can and should chose to be grateful for those experiences for they allow us to appreciate our more positive moments. When we can learn to do this we can master our life.

I've been reading this book called "The Disappeared" by Kim Echlin. There is a particular quote in this book that I would really like to share.

Once a woman came to the Buddha carrying her dead son in her arms. She asked him to have mercy on her, to give back her son. The Buddha said that he could help her. First, he said, bring me a mustard seed from a family that has never experienced death. The woman searched from home to home. People wanted to help but everyone she met had experienced death- a brother, sister, parent, husband, child. After searching for a long time the woman returned to the Buddha. He said, Where is your son? The woman replied, I buried him.

The point is there is no question as to whether or not we've been touched by pain in some way. My point is that we need to make the most of whatever we can. Life is short, that is what I know for sure. I've seen it happen all too much. Do what makes you happy. I'll leave you with this; when the voice and the vision on the inside become more profound, clear, & loud then the opinions on the outside, you've mastered your life

How did my pants get this muddy?

Nobody said how hard it is following your dream. But like the wise ones say the more resistance you get the better the rewards. I don’t know if anyone actually said this, but I am saying it now. I believe it, and if I believe it, it’s true. We are all just the products of our imagination anyway. So why not imagine yourself in the best way possible?

Change your life. I say this to you and I say this to me. If you knew you could change your life by simply imagining a different one, wouldn’t you? YOU CAN. I’m doing it, and I have never felt …more tired. It’s exhausting but I can already tell it’s working.
More relentless rambling about the most important life lessons…tomorrow.

Take a look in the mirror...

Have you recently taken a look in the mirror? I have been avoiding the mirror like a fat kid on a soy diet. Not only have I neglected to realize I'm lacking proper hygiene, but I'm not doing anything to help anyone.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. Among my spiritual and personal development I questioned what I was doing with my life. Tyler (my boyfriend) and I moved to a new apartment in a smaller town called Embrun and we thought this would be the change we need.

We first started avoiding each other for reasons unknownst to both of us. We had moved closer to both of our parents and we were somehow regressing to an earlier part of our life. I think I was mad that I had let this happen especially while I was supposed to be working on the new empowered me. What the hell was I doing back here? I wanted to go places in life, I wanted to see the world, and I wanted to make a difference. After what seemed like a normal fight I said to Tyler “I thought about what I would do without you in my life and I decided I would go to the Yukon and explore.” This was a mistake. The next day he broke up with me because he didn’t think I had the courage to do it myself and he told me to ‘spread my wings’ and go experience my life without him so I won’t resent him later. He also had these feelings that he wanted more with his life too. We felt we are both not cut out for the “average” world.

I had never had my heart broken until the night when he said, “I think we should separate” my whole life seemed to be crashing before me. This isn’t what I had wanted. I don’t want to experience the thrills of life without him. This may make me seem pathetic, but I know he is my soul mate and I couldn’t let this happen. With the shock of it all I took the car and our dog to my parents house. My dad came home and saw my crying on the front steps and he knew what had happened. He said to me he would clear out my room (it had become a bit of a storage room). I was thankful that I would always have a place to go… I love my family. But if I couldn’t believe I was in Embrun, how could I believe I was back in my hometown living with my parents after living on my own since I was 17.

I let go of my pride and my stubbornness and I called Tyler and asked the big question “why” and for him to reconsider. This wasn’t what I had wanted after all. Within 52 minutes we were back together. I had realized and maybe we both needed to realize that we wanted each other in our lives. We both were lacking something in our lives and we had found that it wasn’t each other. Tyler said to me that he had made a big mistake and he thinks he must have just needed to know deep down that I was fully committed to this relationship and wasn’t looking for a way out. Naturally I didn’t believe him, but he assured me if I were ever to believe him just once, this would be the time.

We were back together but we still felt like we were missing something, we still wanted more, we knew we wanted it together but we still needed more. I got to thinking; there was lots of “I’s, Me’s, what do I want, wanting more” kind of thinking going on in our conversations. I had just sent an email to Tyler saying “I want more too.” He wrote back saying “I want to do so much more” I was preparing to take the dog for a walk and I was changing into some clean clothes, I was on a scavenger hunt for some clean underwear and I saw it by my feet, a pamphlet for “The More Project” I had picked this up days earlier without really thinking. On the front of the pamphlet it says “The More Project- Changing Lives. Restoring Families.” Suddenly I was jolted, everything we were saying we needed wasn’t about helping us, it was about helping others. “Changing Lives, Restoring Families” I needed to say it again. Is there a more powerful way to change your life and restore your own family?

I literally sat down and became overwhelmed and cried. How did we seem to forget this? How did we miss this in our constant over analytical conversations with each other? How did we become so blind? How did we become so selfish and more importantly how did we forget? The big TV won’t help us, but changing others lives for the better will. It is by helping others that we will help ourselves.

The point is we all have different purposes and reasons for being here. I found what I needed to do while looking for some underwear, so you never know when you will be inspired. Be prepared for it and be willing to accept it. Keep one eye open all the time; it will be there when you are ready.

I was hit by a transport truck and survived...

You may be wondering how I survived getting hit by a transport truck. You may even want some tips. If you are wondering this, I probably should explain that I was never actually hit by a transport truck, but it sure felt like I was... over and over and over again.

My life was not going as planned. I quit my secure job and secluded myself from my family and friends in this decision, or at least I felt like I did.

My boyfriend and I were living in a house and purchased a car beyond our means. We were only 22 and we were getting in over our head. We had four run-ins with collections. We were robbed. We were falsely accused by the police of setting up the robbery due to our poor financial situation, the robbers went free, and then we were evicted. My parents and friends thought I was a crazy for quiting my nursing job and no one understood my decision.
(Wow, was that a lot of complaining. This first part is for complaining only, it’s all sunshine and rainbows from here…maybe).

I would first like to apologize for my over enthusiastic use of parentheses. But I do enjoy them immensely. On with the story…

I don’t want to go on about the hardships, I will reference them, but I have learned that if I focus on them more tend to happen. Did I mention all of those things happened within 2 months of each other? (I do realize things could be way worse)

Most of my problems stem from not having a “real” job. So when I could have one so easily, what was I doing? I quit my job for something I believe to be right for me. I feel there is something else I am meant to do and I feel there is something on a higher level that I am so close to finding. I am putting this faith in the universe and in my self. I don’t think enough people do this for themselves, and it makes me sad for them.

I think differently than most people. It pains me to conform to society. There is so much else I wish I could be doing. Actually, I would like to reword that, I feel what most people feel but most people are afraid of. People are afraid to have freedom. I plan on spending a lot of my time trying to figure out why.

I had never struggled so much in my life then during this period of my life. I am still struggling but in a different way. The difference is now instead of feeling defeated I am trying to have a positive outlook. The more negative things that happen in my life the more negative things happen in my life. No that wasn’t a typo, I did deliberately repeat myself there. I needed to figure out why I felt the world was crashing down on me. Then I figured it out, I was somehow trapped between what I felt I wanted to be doing and what I was told I should be doing.
How many of you are stuck in jobs you hate, circumstances that you despise, but you still manage to show up everyday and take it?

I know there are select few of you out there who enjoy spending more time working than having fun. But boy- I can just say right now I am not one of you.

The problem is, everyone else is stuck in this no-freedom mindset. I finally figured out I wanted to be free from constrained work schedules and I was going to have the best life ever- only I wasn’t going to. My parents and friends did not support me and they thought I lost my mind (although if you ask them they will deny this). I wasn’t going to have this wonderful life unless I could let go of that and the restrictions everyone was putting on me. I believe we all need to do this.

At the end of the day, you are the only one who has to face the decisions you make.
I want to have the freedom to do whatever I want, I want to dream, I want to have an amazing life, I want to be positive, and exclude the negative…and I had lost my mind? I want to make it one of my life goals to inspire people who think like me or people who want to think like me. I used to think I was a freak for this, but I realize now that it is a gift- and you all have it, you just need to use it.

EVERYONE has it wrong. (except for the few of you who don’t). I know what you are thinking. Hey Mallory how do you plan on living if you’re not doing anything? The answer is, I have no clue, but I know I’m going to enjoy the adventure.

My First Official Blog!

Wow! This is exciting! My first official blog. I've been writing to myself for years, now someone might actually read what I have to say. Heck, maybe you will laugh, maybe you will cry, maybe you will be outraged, or maybe you will be bored. The point is, I'm going to share with you my insights and reflections on life. You might be thinking "This isn't wear I parked my car," and if you are, you might want to seek medical attention. Seriously though, you might be thinking who is she to offer me any insight and who is she to tell me anything, well I'm no one. Is that the answer you were looking for? I don't pretend to think I am anyone special, because we are all special, which really means no is. Where was I going with this? eerr....Right, I was saying that I invite you to come along with me on this blogging journey so we can reflect together on lifes circumstances. I do not know what life has in store for me but I am sure it will have sadness, anger, despair, but also a lot of love, hope, and happiness.

(P.S. ..in the picture...that is me and my dog Dexter. He is awesome!)